I’m having conflict with my manager. What do I do?

I’m having conflict with my manager. What do I do?

Hi, I’m Janet Granger, answering the question: “I’m having conflict with my manager. What do I do?” 

This is a big question. There are many reasons you may be in conflict with your manager. The first task to figure out: is it them? Or is it you? 

It’s really important, at the very beginning, to be brutally honest with yourself. 

I had a manager, once, that I was not happy with, because when I asked for a promotion (after a couple of years on the job), he was not kind to me. Instead of giving me reasons why I wasn’t going to be promoted, he snapped at me. 

It became very clear to me, over time, that he was feeling very insecure in his job – and very threatened in his own role. He just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with me, let alone anything else, because of what was going on with him at work. 

Knowing this didn’t make my situation any better, but it was then easier for me to recognize, “it’s him, it’s not me.” 

Are you in conflict because of something that you’re doing? Or not doing? Or something they’re doing? Or they’re expecting?  Or they’re not doing?

I’m going to start with – if it’s about you, then it’s “good news” because you can change that. For example, if it’s that you haven’t been meeting deadlines, you can say to your manager, “I know I haven’t been meeting deadlines. I’m going to change that.” 

Acknowledging what you’ve been doing (that might be bothering them) and saying it out loud to them will actually take away a lot of the conflict that’s brewing. Because you’re going to take charge and address what they’ve been feeling. You’re dealing with it. 

In this example, if your manager annoys you because you are typically last minute on your deadlines, you can say something like, “I know I haven’t been meeting deadlines. I’m going to change that and be better. I’m telling you this because I realize this is on me, and I’m hoping you’ll help me with this.”

That will help a lot because: 

• you’ve acknowledged whatever’s going on 
• you’ve said you want to change
•  you’re asked them for them to help with the change 

That will probably help, if the issue is something that you’ve been doing. 

It’s much harder to change the situation if it’s not about you. For example, you may be in a situation where your manager doesn’t manage you well. Perhaps they manage you too closely, they micromanage you, and they ask you what you’re doing all the time. 

They may ask you to justify what you’re doing all the time, and what you’re doing is actually necessary (and they’re making you crazy.) 

One way to deal with that is to talk to them about it. 

First, you set up a one-to-one with them; set up a time when you can talk to them, privately. When they’ll have the bandwidth and time to talk to you and focus on you. 

Second, rehearse what you want to say ahead of time, so that you can say it calmly,  professionally, quietly, maybe with a smile on your face. People read body language really well,  so that make sure that your manager “hears” what you have to say. The way you say it is really important. If you say things nicely, you can “be heard.” 

I’ve said something similar to this in my answer to “I’m having issues with a co-worker, what do I do?” 

Keep whatever you say in “I” language, not “you” language. For example, for someone who’s a micromanager, you might say, 

“I feel as though you’re not trusting me because everything I do is double-checked. I’ve been in this role now for (however much time – over three months) and I find it kind of depressing and upsetting. I want to ask you: am I not doing a good job? Is there something I need to improve? What can I do so that I feel like you trust me? Because I would really like to change this.” 

You don’t want your manager to feel that he or she is being attacked. It’s much easier for them to “hear” you if you keep it in “I” language. It’s about you, not about them. 

Asking them to help you, to resolve the issue, is typically the best way to go, because (for the most part) I would hope that your manager wants to be helpful. They want you to succeed. 

Now, this may not resolve the issue. Their response could be, “I do that with everyone. That’s how I manage everybody,” or “It’s my responsibility to oversee your work, and so I have to do that to make sure it’s done right.”

At least then you’ve been heard, even if they don’t change what they do. The psychology behind micromanaging is a trust issue. You have to be really vigilant about over communicating what you’re doing, when you’re doing, and the progress of your work. 

I’ve attached an interesting link from TikTok about dealing with someone who’s micromanaging you. 

And another link for someone you just don’t like, or get along with. It’s a good piece of advice, by asking them “how can I help you?” 

For someone who’s not providing you enough help, you could say something like: 

“I feel like I’m floundering. I’m not being nearly as productive (or effective, or efficient) as I could be. Maybe we can set up a 15-minute check-in so I can tell you how I’m doing, and you can let me know if I’m on the right track? 

 Or “Are there resources that I can look at?” Or “Is there someone who can help me?”

Asking for help is the best approach, because they’re your manager – and their job is to make sure you do your job well. Give them the opportunity to rise to the occasion – to be a good manager – and to give you the help that you need. 

Finally, I want to share that, unfortunately, not all conflicts can be resolved. You’re on a team and part of being on a team is understanding that, sometimes, teams have better days than not. 

 I’ll give you an example in my own career: I was in a job that I loved. I loved the work, I loved going into work every day. It was great – it was actually fun for me. Then there was a senior leader, above my manager, who came to me at one point and asked me to do something that was in direct violation of a contract that we had. 

Technically, I pointed out to this person, we couldn’t do that. And I gave all the reasons why we couldn’t do that: the relationship, the contract, etc. She asked me to do this thing, repeatedly, against the contract. And my anxiety level went up 10 times. It was awful. Because now, all of a sudden, my reputation is on the line when it comes to the business, the industry, the vendor, etc. 

I could never resolve the issue. And this person wasn’t leaving the company. So I had to quit. I hated doing it – as I said – because I loved the work. But this senior leader was making me miserable; I was having anxiety attacks whenever I walked into work. 

So it’s important to know that, sometimes you can solve the problem, and sometimes you can’t. 

As you deal with this conflict with your manager – if it ends up being that you have to leave the company – the learning you can take with you is “what do you now know, about how you like to be managed, so your next position is better?” 

If it’s being micromanaged, you now know that makes you crazy. You want to make sure that, when you interview, you find out how much autonomy there is in the role. How much communication there is with the senior manager. How you’ll be treated, etc. 

I’ve also attached a link here with an article about how to deal with a difficult manager. 

I’m Janet Granger, answering the question: “I’m having conflict with my manager. What do I do?